8 Steps to Uncover Why The Change We Seek Is Not The Change We Desire. It is a byproduct.

Updated: Aug 19

a professional woman sitting a her desk in front of her laptop with a cup of coffee while she pinches the area between her eyes.

This is just who I am! I have always been this way!

I don’t see what is wrong with it, yet it continues to cause issues in my relationships.

I’m not sure why but I just can’t seem to catch myself before I do the same thing over again that I keep telling myself I need to stop.

Sound familiar?

I guarantee you that what you are putting on the “this is the problem I need to change” table is only a product of what is truly causing you problems in living.

There was a time in my life that I stood firm and proud of the rigid way I commanded to be received. I was very resolute about how I was, why I was, and what was to be accepted about me. Constantly working to get others to get on board, to leave me the way I was.

The surface reason, the one I and everyone else could point to, was that I wanted to be left alone where my relationship with alcohol, cigarettes, spending, and food were concerned.

Funny thing, well maybe not humorous, but certainly interesting, after putting those things down, one at a time, had absolutely nothing to do with my rigidity, the unbending, fight to be seen, heard, valued, and validated.

No, this ran much deeper. And would take a lot more space to explain. So, I will leave that for another day or a more appropriate space to share with you.

For now, I just want you to know that the change we desire is usually not the change we truly want. It is a byproduct.


How in the world can you expect to change something when you don’t know what it is?

Well, I go through a process of cost versus benefit or the pros and cons of what I believe the issue to be and follow with a lot of why, how, and what questions.

But I am well versed in getting to the bottom of things that are getting in my way of experiencing living the way I desire.

For you, I recommend starting simple with some personal observation.

  • Pick just one thing, one action that you do to observe

  • Plan the day you will engage in this activity (a good example is an impulsive shopper who intends or plans to purchase 3 things and leaves or checks out with double or even triple the number of items)

  • Log how you felt while you were engaged in your chosen activity (was there relief, joy or?)

  • Note what was happening before you engaged (be honest, notice any distress prior to OR after)

  • Ask yourself how did this benefit me? And what did it cost me?

  • Keep track of what you are doing. Identifying what works well and what doesn’t and WHY!

  • Allow yourself to notice the shifts in your thoughts and attitude toward this action, attitude, behavior, whatever it is you chose to observe on this day.

  • Always be willing to look at how you can change shift morph it in a positive direction toward how you will prefer for it to feel or the outcome you desire.

Change and transformation are only permanent when you Evolve!

There are many approaches to life improvement!

It is important that you find the right path for you, the unique individual you are.

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