When was the last time you decided without any hesitancy at all? And I mean a time when you were fully committed to accomplishing something without any underlying chance to pull back or settle for a less than effective outcome. That commitment that left you with pride in your ability to achieve whatever it was.
Perhaps your thinking, “I suck at decision making” “I constantly regret the commitments I make” “I am terrible with follow through” “I fail often”.
This is because you allow hesitancy in at the wrong time, with the wrong definition, and without the right game plan. You are using it as an out which only breeds ineffectiveness.
Have you ever considered hesitating for the sole purpose on investigating what was driving your disinclination, uncertainty, tentativeness, or doubt? I bet if you had your decision to embark on whatever it was would had you much more prepared to keep moving forward and just face whatever crap was tossed at you along the way as if it was part of the plan.
Life throws us curveballs all the time. This is exactly why making concrete decisions and being committed to living the way we desire is so critical. We can’t be wimpy about it. We have to stop backing away just because we are afraid of making a fool of ourselves, or the work gets hard, or because of how expensive it is, the excuses are limitless (I hear a bunch), and they only validate that you have not decided completely, you are not committed, and you will quit.
Here are the facts; achieving goals and aspirations is uncomfortable and they require a great deal of hard work. If this wasn’t true, everyone, yourself included, would be completely satisfied with themselves and the life they are experiencing.
What needs to happen; stop pretending you have made a decision and own the fact that all you have really done is sign up try whatever it is – that is until you no longer want to endure the discomfort of the work and give up. Why? Because without a true determination, a willingness to do whatever it takes, you will never accomplish what you say you want to.
Let’s shift gears.
Ask yourself this; If you wanted to get a promotion, knew how to make it happen, and it was going to solve all your financial struggles, would you make a plan, commit to it and dive right in working tirelessly and without fail until you accomplished your end goal?
Or, would you commit to only creating the action plan that would get you there and then make excuses why you could not achieve each mark, seeing only the obstacles and maybe even convince yourself that your life is fine the way it is, you have survived this long and those bills will get paid someday – well maybe – and say to yourself “I am ok with the unfulfilling pieces of my life”.
Hopefully I haven’t lost you yet! Because this same need for decision making, determination, and commitment goes for your desire to change any relationship struggles, any habit, addiction, or ill-effective behavior.
If every time you fail at one attempt, or the work to create change gets complicated causes you to give up or just quit instead of digging your heals in and going deeper, you will never experience life the way you desire.
Look, there is always a way! And once you realize that, you can accomplish anything you are willing to have a focused commitment on. Sometimes it is the goal or aspiration, that desired result you think needs to happen that could use some adjusting. Meaning, the actions you are taking are appropriate, admirable, positive and forward moving, they are just more apt to lead to a different version of your original desire that will be equally if not more so fulfilling.
Temporary failure will happen. I could give you a list of great people that have accomplished great things and tell you the stories of their journeys, but I will stick to mine. For 30 years I worked hard at being only just so much committed to achieving, I held on to the hesitancy, it made it easier for the justification period when I decided to give up. Now this is a very broad statement, mainly because I want to pause to point out that I knew that I was doing this, and I knew I could achieve those things I really wanted to. I just didn’t want to compare my successes with my unadmitted failures.
To be clearer, I wanted to be a good mother and I did everything in my power to be that every day. I wanted to be a loving and supportive wife and I work at that every day. I have lost or gained weight when it was in the best interest of my health. I bought my first home on my own. I got the job and the promotions I needed, saved the money necessary, and worked hard to get my credit rating where it needed to be all to make that happen. Because you see even when things seemed out of my reach my desires ran so deep that I was unwilling to any obstacle bet in my way. I was committed. And they all happened.
Now, those things that I had more difficulty with, the habits that had become addictions, the alcohol, shopping, and the sugary treats, were so because I didn’t know to adjust the end goal. My aspirations were set to the wrong outcome. I focused on the thing not the behavior or underlying attitude. My excuses were that these things gave me something I needed, and while there was some validity to that, it was only valid for the need. That’s right, I needed to not feel some things, I needed acceptance (from myself and others), and I needed comfort. But the alcohol only covered things up, it didn’t help the feelings go away. The shopping didn’t make me any more acceptable, it just filled my closet with nice things I didn’t need. And the sugary treats were only satisfying while in my mouth, the aftereffects were certainly not comforting. The rush was always followed by the crash, and always generated negative images in the mirror. So merely removing these things never resulted in the accomplishment of the goal.
Achieving my goals only came once I stopped listening to my tired old excuses, decided to get off the pity pot, change my habits, and create a real action plan that would get me the true results I desired.
Here are 5 things I did to become a committed decision maker:
1. I Wanted “IT” Genuinely! I knew it was a true desire and not just a “should”. Listen, any time you need to push through major obstacles to reach a goal it is simply not enough to just want to want to… you must be unwilling to let go of this aspiration for any reason just as if continuing to live and breathe would end if you don’t!
2. I mastered “IT”! – making the decision to be decisive and committed that is. You see it was the indecision that was the most torture. Indecision keeps you stuck, and it perpetuates all temporary failures. Face decision making head on. Make decisions quickly and change them slowly. Like I mentioned before, I had goals to not feel, to be acceptable, and to be comfortable, which are all great goals, I just needed to have an effective action plan. Good action plans take time, consideration, investigation, observation, and a willingness to embrace adjustments, but they do have to have deadlines. If you are like me and lean toward impulsive decisions, you will want to slow the process down and learn to listen to your intuition.
3. I removed the debate! Here’s what I realized was going on inside my head… negotiation and rationalization. The conversation sounded like “it is cute, but it isn’t a need” “oh but wait, isn’t it a need? You have that meeting coming up and you don’t have a power suit” “no I don’t but I do have what I need to create the same feel” “sure but they will all see that you did so, and also, you deserve it..” Or there was the ever present “oh wow look at those cookies, you can have just one” or “just one glass of champagne for the toast” You get the idea, right? This old version of me, the one who could not decide to say shove it to being stuck in this revolving cycle is now in the past. This version of me is always in the present, and I will not even for a second sway from my decisions to change the way I live my life. I no longer waste time in those pointless debates about alcohol, shopping, and negative eating habits because I decided 7 years ago that I don’t do those things anymore. Ok, yes, I still shop and eat, just much differently – I do not drink alcohol or use any controlled substances for any reason.
4. I became tenacious! This is absolutely my favorite part even though it is where all the hard work happens it is always satisfying! And to get even more literal with words – I am stubborn about what I need to be (but flexible where I can be), I am resolute in my decisions and commitments, I am persistent when temporary failure presents itself, I am insistent that I am self-accepting, and I am determined to live the best version of myself every day – what ever that looks like.
5. I learned to love the being I am! Inside and out!
Bottom line is this, you can create what ever it is you desire to have in your life, but you have some colossal decisions to make. I became a professional life coach because it is a forward moving psychological practice. My clients are changing their stories every day and achieving things they didn’t even realize were desires. Consultations are risk free. If we are a good personality fit and the program stands to get you where you want to go, we will make it happen together. If not, I promise to help you determine where or how you can get what you are looking for.